Bushwackin'

Still alive

Around the bend of a path I’d never taken, something exploded. I pulled my dagger out with one hand and my bear spray with the other.

It was just a doe, blasting through her bed of leaves, as scared of me as I was of her.

Full disclosure: I have no idea how to use a dagger. Yet, the intention is fairly badass, you must admit.

This was the first day of my monthlong sabbatical. Still zonked on the stress of the last few months - the last four years, really - I did not take a leisurely hike, but a punishing one. 

I wanted to exorcise whatever demons were haunting my psyche.

Before I handed my cell phone to my husband to hide for all of December, I saw a meme on Instagram that said:

Go do some main character shit before it’s too late.

For a fantasy freak, main character shit means FIGHTING ARMIES OF MONSTERS or DEFEATING THE EVIL WIZARD or TAKING AN EPIC JOURNEY BY HORSEBACK AND NEVER STOPPING TO PEE. Seriously, we get all the details about innards being ripped out or the texture of a fairy dick, but no one ever, ever defecates.

I spent the first week of my sabbatical doing nothing.

Caffeine-free, cellphone-free, job-free, desk-free. Sunday-scaries-free.

There was no epiphany. Nor did I wake up with birds chirping around my head and a song on my lips each morning. (Especially without the coffee.)

It was far subtler than that.

It was like remembering a few notes to a song you once loved. Then the next week, a few bars.

The full lyrics aren’t there yet, but I can sense the chorus coming.

And after the first week, I got back to writing.

I’m averaging 900 words per day, which doesn’t feel like nearly enough. It’s a hell of a lot more than none words, but considering fantasy novels have 200,000 words or more…well, I’m trying not to be hard on myself about output.

I am trying to reduce speed and the feeling of the pressure of time.

I am trying to lean into silence.

What does main character shit mean when you’ve set aside your vices, your ambitions, your busyness, and your ego?

I’m not sure I know.

But the other day, a friend told me that I was “glowing” and another said that I seemed profoundly awake. I think that means I’m headed in the right direction, even if I can’t really see the path.

Main characters don’t take paths, anyways. They bushwhack.